There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.
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Treat your relationships as you would your teeth, daily attention and they could last a lifetime, too bad the same can’t be said for hair.
Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.
5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies
The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.
We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.
When you “pspspsp” too hard
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.
3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”
So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?
Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.
I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
One of the fun things about being married is your spouse stops asking what you want from take out restaurants.
You get what you got last time.
Want something else? Too bad. You should have ordered it last time.
[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]
They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
medium: so you want to contact your wife
me: I can still hear her voice
wife: [howling] let me iiiiiin
me: it’s like she’s watching me
wife: [through window] I forgot my keys