There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.
You Might Also Like
I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?
My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.
[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]
Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*
Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.
*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*
I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.
‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.
I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.
No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.
[hospital]
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted
Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.
*during sex*
Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!
Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.
Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.
My husband just got all pissy because I put the empty glass “he was still using” in the dishwasher, and this is my villain origin story.
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
Just found out I am the last person on earth who does not own an air fryer. And if you think YOU don’t have an air fryer you do, go look in the kitchen. It’s there right? Yeah, told you.
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
My 9yo son as I dropped him off at school, “time to make some money!” Apparently he’s selling his Halloween candy to the kids who aren’t allowed to have candy at home.
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?