Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL

Bartender: I’m cutting you off

My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.

Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more

[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you like

HER: I really get off on exhibitionism

ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool

#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?

A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name

The look of utter betrayal on my son’s face when he gets up past his bedtime & sees me eating cereal & watching cartoons is priceless.

Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place

Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.

I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.

2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs

Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.

Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.

(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?

Cop: I kinda think I have to now.

I’m in a hotel and someone named Emily has multi mode turned on. Should I connect to her speaker and put on this playlist

The cute barista at my favourite coffee place has been flirting with me for about 6 months now.

In another 6 months I’m hopeful I’ll work up the confidence to tell them they misheard my name 6 months ago and I’ve been too awkward to say anything

[first date]

me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes

So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.

middle school in the ’90s

*wakes up due to construction noise*

*tosses and turns all pissed off*

*finally decides to get up*

*construction noise stops*

thought i was a minimalist, but it turns out i’m just broke

No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.

I’m going to remember this night forever!!!

Tequila – You sure about that?

My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.

FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning

*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”

At a doctor appointment:

“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”

HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!

My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw

[blind date]

HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic

ME: Vincent van…go on

Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?

Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?

I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’

very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away

please lobotomize me

[driving on the highway]

My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.

Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?

Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.