There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.
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I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
Called myself to see if I’d answer, sent me to voicemail. Twice.
I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.
I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along
God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian
3yo: I hate vegetables!
Me: you know fries are made from a vegetable, right?
3yo: oh, ok, I love fries!
Me: great, here’s your ᶜᵃʳʳᵒᵗ ‘fries’
Chicken bread
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
this site is so cooked lol
What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes
If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks
Walmart flexes on me by putting two gallons of milk and a cantaloupe in one bag and a single taco seasoning packet in another.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.
the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …
A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.
She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.
She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.
It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!
Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!
Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”