There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.
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the concept of santa actually pisses me off a lot. i work hard all year to buy my kids presents, but all the credit goes to some fat old guy who squeezes down my chimney, eats my food, makes out with my wife, and disappears. this is bullshit
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
Oh the world we live in…
scenes of unspeakable carnage
My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?
Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
The worst thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
The best thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
4: I need my princess dress NOW!
Me: You heard the lady! GET HER A PRINCESS DRESS STAT!
4: Who are you talking to?
Me: Your servants
4: I don’t have servants
Me: Exactly
As a man I’ll never know the what the pain of child birth feels like. But I’m guessing the pain of stubbing your toes has to be really close.
Officer there’s nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
“my eye is up here”
-Illuminati pyramid
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.
I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.
“Clue” is a board game about people trapped in a house and one of them is a homicidal maniac who has just killed. Ages 8 and up.
A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.
Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?
[town square in a thunderstorm]
Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.
His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrellaGalileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*
Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*
i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!
That second sandwich was a mistake.
– me, making a third sandwich
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.