There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
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what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
when people your age have their shit together and you have no idea what you’re doing
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
(Cereal Mascot Support Meeting)
TRIX BUNNY: I don’t understand why I can’t have any of the cereal.
LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN: I don’t understand why these kids keep stealing mine.
FREDDY KREUGER: I think I’ve wandered into the wrong group, but have any of you thought about murder?
Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
Me: So you’re allergic to avocados?
Her: Yup…
Me: Like a vampire?
Her: No that’s garlic.
Me: Oh, like a werewolf?
Her: No, those are silver bullets.
Me: Not avocado bullets?
Her: Don’t…
Me:
Her: Don’t do it…
Me: Fired from a…
Her: *sigh*
Me: Glockamole…
Her: I hate you
Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*
NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*
On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.
5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?
Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.
5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.
Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.
A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
date: tell me about yourself
me: I want to kill the moon
date: I have a bit of a dark side too
me: [narrows eyes]
I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference
trainer: what’s your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.
Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.
RT to cosign.
[during prison riot]
cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?
me: *shakes magic 8 ball*
magic 8 ball: ask again later
me: shoot hang on
i don’t understand the parking brake in my car, like when does my car need to be “more” parked than it is
*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*