Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what

If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.

Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too

If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.

Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr

I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.

Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…

Not today Satan.

Not today.

I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.

All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.

[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already

People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.

Today on a tram, I told the driver that I loved Puerto Rico and he told me he shot two people who were breaking into his house there after hurricane Maria and left the island to evade charges and why does this stuff happen to me

Doctor: *eyes wide*

Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time

I got sunburned at the beach and now my husband won’t listen to anything I say because he doesn’t “take advice from tomatoes.”

[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”

*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank

Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy

Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other

Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.

I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.

I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.

I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”

I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.

On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.

Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.

[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heart

My date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?

Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP

look scared

“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”

14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?

Me: I had you when I was 24.

14: So we’re like 10 years apart.

Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn’t even occur to me it cost money to have it at home

Genie: I will grant you one wish

Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind

Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle

God: *creates oceans*

Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL

God: Get out