There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
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straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
big day for dogs who love to absolutely lose their shit when the doorbell rings
[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
I prefer the Easter Bunny, for starters, he’s not making a list and checking it twice, and more importantly, he’s not watching me when I’m sleeping.
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
This is my brand.
“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.
Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles
A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”
Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
Introducing – Paragraphica! 📡📷
A camera that takes photos using location data. It describes the place you are at and then converts it into an AI-generated “photo”.See more here:
or try to take your own photo here:
The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.
flight attendant: is there a doctor onboard?
dad: *nudging me* that could’ve been you
me: not now, dad
dad: not asking for a standup comic to help, are they?
me: dad, there’s a medical emergency happening rn
dad: go and see if “what’s the deal with lamp shades” helps
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.
Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women