There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:
Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”
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One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
The elephant is my spirit animal.
1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*
If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
What flavor cupcake are these
ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.
I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers
Professor, clearing his throat:
“With the loss of cursive writing in the schools, it no longer became possible to effectively write on the snow in urine (urine being a single stream medium). Thus another level of achievement in English-speaking culture was lost forever.”
Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??
Batman: no, not really-
Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE
Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks
Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
Guy Fieri got into a fistfight with his hairdresser. I guess he finally looked in a mirror and saw what the dude’s been doing to his hair.
Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?
Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.
Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no