Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*me, looking for someone to have breakfast with* wanna be friends with benedicts?

If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?

USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔

Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.

YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids

What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.

4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.

ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!

OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.

*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*

Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane

I got a gumball machine for my 11th birthday. It was like saying, “Hey I got you a gift but you have to pay $.10 every time you want to play with it.”

Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.

– Dog Logic

Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?

If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?

doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow

me: [devastated] what’s the good news

doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long

Can anyone recommend some basic intrusive thoughts for someone looking to get into anxiety?

It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water

Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed

professor x: what’s your power?

me: i can cry

professor x: on command?

me: no just when i’m sad or whatever

professor x: you don’t punch a hole in the drywall?

me: nope

professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?

Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.

Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.

Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.

[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches

Me: I have a Black Belt

Her: Karate?

Me: Faux leather. 40”

ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*

CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?

ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month

Every work call, he judges.

My life in a nutshell

[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.

Instagram: look how pretty everything is

Facebook: look how easy everything is

Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest

Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is

It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.

It’s just a hobby.

A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name