Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.

My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.

So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems

Dentist 1: Works great!
Dentist 2: Revolutionary product.
Dentist 3: It’s remarkable.
Dentist 4: This is a game changer.

Dentist 5: (Having just changed a flat tire after being served divorce papers)
I have some thoughts.

Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.

Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?

They’re on their honeymoon

this is the kind of friend i am

You know you’re desperate for a night out when the babysitter tells you they have lice and for a split second you think: stick on a damn hat and get over here

I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.

I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.

I tried to take a picture of myself in the shower, but my camera kept fogging up.
I have selfie steam issues.

I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.

Me: please bbc just tell me who the new Doctor is I won’t ask for anything else ever please

BBC: *reveals new Doctor*

Me: Nice!!

…
…

Me: please bbc just tell me who the new companion is I won’t ask for anything else ever plea-

We were walking out of Costco when we saw this baby eat the receipt before they got out. The mom’s look was just like, oh no

But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?

My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.

I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red

My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.

looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs

People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!

Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers

Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?

Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool

Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?

Superman:

Lois: Are you crying?

Being brave is overrated.

Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.

This classic never gets old . . .

Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.

I’m not like most teenage girls. I’m a forty-one year old man

i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago

Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”

I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way

Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years