There needs to be at least ONE more Nightmare on Elm Street film so that Freddy can invade a comic book nerd’s dream, dress up as Deadpool, and refer to himself as “Fredpool.”
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Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives
My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.
Show me on the doll where the sandwich hurt you
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.
You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE
[taking a walk with mom]
Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*
Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.
my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]