There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.
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Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
Doctor is treating me with a steroid for my poison ivy and said it will make me very hungry and irritable, so no one should see any changes in my behavior.
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.
I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.
It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
You know…
A Couples Retweet
Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”
Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.
9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?
Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah
[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
[Murderer chasing me]
Murderer: YOU’VE DROPPED YOUR WALLET
Me: oh, I thought you wanted to kill me
Murderer: *ruffles my hair* I’m a murderer, not a thief! *starts stabbing me*
my body is a machine that turns traumatic experiences into 10 likes on twitter
Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.
23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.
Henry Ford: Yes, sir.
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
After how many years should you clean your microwave?
I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.
My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.
If you pull this stunt in front of me at security stg I’ll call the cops
Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:
Realtor: What’s best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It’s better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.
5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?