There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.
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Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…
British people be like I’m Bri ish
There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
turtles are just lizards who work in construction
It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.
commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free
one time i asked the guy i was dating at the time if he would still love me if i was a worm and he said ‘no but i would build u a terrarium and make sure ur safe and also so u could see the girl i date after :)’ and it caused a huge fight lol
Who chose this font
My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.
horrifying if literal: the electric slide
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
911?
~He’s eating Top Ramen!
911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water
~NO! He’s eating it like soup!
911: That’s fucked up
~I KNOW RIGHT
[job interview]
“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”
*takes long drag from cigarette*
Not that I’m aware of.
be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
just detonated a tiny nuclear device at my buddy’s house as a prank. scientists say his rumpus room will be uninhabitable for 600 years
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: one more
me: *click*
ceiling fan: jk. was off. now back on and faster than ever!
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.