There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room
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Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.
3yo: I won’t.
Wife: hey guys.
3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.
The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
Kids: We’re hungry!
M: Dinner when mum gets home
K: She’s away for a week
M: OK, when I’m done tweeting
K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
Imagine you flip to a guys stream after dieing and see this
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.
Turducken – Noun – The act of avoiding monkey projectiles.
every four years, people report on fencing, and every four years, they say the weapons are sharp. they’re not sharp dude. everyone would die. first place would get a gold medal and second through last place would get buried
Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s the sky.
Toddler: what’s sky mean?
Me: sky means sky.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s grass.
Toddler: what’s grass mean?
Me: grass means grass.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: tears.
Toddler: what’s tears mean?
Me: it means please just stop.
Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?
GF: What?
M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.
GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.
[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”
I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭
Me: You want some cereal?
2 year-old: Yay cereal!
Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
2: Yay cinnamon crack!
Me: Ok-wait, what??
Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.
my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast