There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room
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Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social
what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason
ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods
product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open
ceo: lol no
Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
I would like a mode of transportation that only allows me to travel a foot at a time with maximum effort requiring stellar balance.
*pogo stick inventor* I got you.
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
Required: An app that turns the page of the calendar that’s on the wall.
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
The cell connection was bad so either your daughter is going to Yale or to jail. Either way, hope she’s out in five years or less.
As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else
I love when men go on diets they will be like let me go for the healthy option.. the buffalo chicken quesadilla
[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]
Waiter: Your bill for-
Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*
Me: How romantic.
*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*
Me: WTF
MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!
[Commercial]
*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*
Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”
[On Screen Caption]
TEETH
T-REX *runs past me*
ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush
T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…
If someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer just say, “I don’t know. I ran into a sliding glass door and knocked myself out, and now I’m having trouble remembering things.” That will get them off your back for a week.
A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
