Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS:

1) Know when to hold em.

2) Know when to fold em.

3) Know when to walk away.

4) Know when to run.

There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.

Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.

One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.

*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*

brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.

I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.

The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.

Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.

Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.

Boss: Okay just a reminder for everyone to mute themselves.

My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.

SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.

A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.

Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.

Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it

NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said

Shaved my legs today

RIP drain

cop: do you know why I pulled you over?

me: I’m not psychic, Craig

cop: my name is Greg

me: I work at Starbucks

Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?

Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no

having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you

Me: Who made this mess?

8-year-old: Not me.

6-year-old: Not me.

4-year-old: Not me.

3-year-old: A horse. I saw it.

I have a suspect.

Much like lasagna, I’m just held together by cheese at this point

11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”

🥲

Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Her: Nope
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive

Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.

Am I high or is this air conditioner unit stargazing with her legs out the window right now

I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.

2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.

“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?

Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???

Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..

Hips: No…. It’s his…

Me: Shut up Hips!

For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar

Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old