Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I heard a coworker describe his hospital stay as “being checked from the rooter to the tooter.”

Come back later for more stuff I hear at work.

Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?

Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.

I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?

Comedy booker: how much time can you do?

Me: I have an hour

Comedy booker: there might be children there

Me: I have 7 seconds

Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.

snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood

Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.

My mood ring just jumped into the trash compactor.

I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.

He’s Dead.

My dog after a walk in the woods.

At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.

Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?

Me: Earth 😐

Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.

things a whale might end an email with:

-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krill

things a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:

-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you

you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”

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The Chosen Phew

Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar

Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird

My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter

I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from

Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.

My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…

it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”

My mom just told me that one of her coworkers taught a first grader who spoke in a British accent
Which isn’t that weird at all—until you take into account that his parents are from here, they have no accents & their son somehow adopted an entire dialect from watching Peppa Pig

Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.

Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.

Him: Why are you here?

Me: Why am I anywhere?

There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.

My wife walked in on me sobbing uncontrollably while listening to an old song.
“Meat Loaf?” she asked.
“Yes,” I replied, between the tears. “Can we have baked potatoes too?”

One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.

villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!

me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental

v *tearing up*: …you passed