There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.
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*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever
my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”
There are two types of moms: those who wish the recital had booze and those who smuggle booze into the recital.
I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.
Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …
Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.
Going to pronounce fecal like decal
Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.
Thanos: I killed half the universe.
Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.
Everyone:
Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.
“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”
“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
[creation of kangaroo]
God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack
Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*
God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha
Angel: again with this shit
One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?
Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
a former teacher who loved saying “lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine” just reached out to me about getting comp tickets to a show of mine because she didn’t realize it would sell out.
wellllllllllllllllllllll well well well WELL.
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?
batman:
superman:
batman:
superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?
batman: yep
I grilled a bunch of elk meat before my buddy told me,
“You’re making a big moose steak.”
If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”