Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
You Might Also Like
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.
Me: Do they hurt your feet?
5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.
Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.
I’m doomed.
looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?
Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.
I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.
Me to Copilot: Does “d73H” mean anything to you?
Copilot: Hmm… No. Why?
Me: That nerd down there on the beach seems to think it does.
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers
I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box…
I’ll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life.
TV Show Idea:
Speculation news.
A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.