there should be a crisis hotline to call for anyone who has witnessed me trying to eat a big leaf salad in public
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There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.
Things that are likely to kill me:
1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework
I feel like one of these would kill a European
This is my emotional support online shopping cart
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.
~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.
Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What
Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you’re describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.
I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.
her: I don’t feel like talking
me: uh oh, is it me?
her: not at all, I’m having a hard time
me: uh oh, what did I do?
her: no no, a family member died
me: uh oh, did I kill them?
[god creating hotdogs]
inflate that worm
Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers
Woman: you mean he’s
Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care
Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes.
Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different?
Me: It’s wrong.
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.
The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.
SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!
Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?
Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding