there should be a crisis hotline to call for anyone who has witnessed me trying to eat a big leaf salad in public
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Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.
Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?
My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.
My wife walked in on me sobbing uncontrollably while listening to an old song.
“Meat Loaf?” she asked.
“Yes,” I replied, between the tears. “Can we have baked potatoes too?”
A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”
A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”
Jupiter
My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.
me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
When my cat gets in trouble I call him by his full name, Catthew.
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?
Sometimes I wish I spoke seagull. There’s a bunch of them on the roof & one of them has clearly cracked the joke of the year because the rest are all laughing their heads off
Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”
Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”
God tier horse name today on the sims
God: you can sting people more than once.
Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.
God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.
Bee: what’s up?
God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.
Wasp:
Teens think they have an all-purpose insult for uncool people over 30 with “OK boomer”, but little do they know uncool people over 30 are about to deploy our most devastating weapon against it: ruthlessly appropriating it until it’s cringingly uncool to say it in any circumstance
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*
I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.
Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.
I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*
ARE YOU READY FOR TACOOO TUESDAAYYYY?
— my kid on a Saturday