there should be a crisis hotline to call for anyone who has witnessed me trying to eat a big leaf salad in public
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fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*
nurse:how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse: what
me: would not recommend
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?
ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average
I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.
Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is
“UNLESS WE’RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE’S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!”
– me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum
me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no
My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.
Me: *opens fridge*
Dog: you gonna finish that
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Worst bar ever.
Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.