There should be a day between Sunday and Monday called Hang on a Second.
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fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
*Runs across campus to get to class on time*
Whew! I made it!
*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.
I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.
The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.
The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.
Person: how does writing work?
Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise
Person: then you’re done with the book?
Writer: then you move to the next sentence
I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.
me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit
Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.
CAUTION : THE ROADS ARE SO DANGEROUS RIGHT NOW UNLESS YOU WANNA GO GET ME SOME BAGELS, THEN THEY ARE FINE
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.
Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
She: I think our sex would be off the charts!
Me: You have sex charts?
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab