Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.

Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.

PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours

Sloth: Uh oh

The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.

I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.

The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.

I have caller ID for the front door.

If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.

Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it

The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini

[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”

HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me

My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.

People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.

[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall

Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent

Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?

I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.

Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented

Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.

date: what do you do for a living?

me: i make trojan horses

date: that’s not what i’d expect

me: yah that’s the idea

My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.

Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button

My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.

Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.

8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!

why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”

Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?

i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM

A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.

In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh

Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.

When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said