Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card

I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?

me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?

him: no but I did see him play checkers

it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day

My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”

Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…

‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’

Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.

I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry

For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.

So, yeah, you’re right.

Well, this is awkward

[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”

It’s so weird, when I was a kid BBC Radio 2 played dated songs for old people – but they must have had a policy change over the years cuz now they seem to play cool, awesome songs for young people like me!

Personal trainer: How’s your diet been going?

Me: Absolutely amazing

Personal trainer: May I ask what you’ve been eating?

Me: You may not

“Age is just a number”

…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account

Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.

Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.

Oh boy, it’s that time of election year when all the politicians start wearing jeans to get down on the level with us regular folk. You’re gonna need to wear a kilt and the blood of my enemies if you want my vote this year, Brad.

*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store

“Keep pouring, Ann. You’re not gonna BELIEVE what your dog did today.”

Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!

Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.

Me: Who called you guys “Samsung security personnel” instead of “Guardians of the Galaxy?”

Raccoons (that I dressed as security guards): *bite me*

I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting

when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up

7yr old: I’m going to set a world record for walking in circles around this chair. “Alexa, set a time for 90 minutes.”
Me: Do you realize that’s an hour and a half?
7: Oh, “Alexa, set a timer for 5 minutes.”

I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.

how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands

ㅤ

LA today:

My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary