There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.
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The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
what’s the point of liking a tweet if someone who is infatuated with me can’t see it and analyse what it means
dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no
[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal
[learning to drive stick]
Dad: hands at 10 and 2
Me: ok
Dad: now go ahead and shift
Me: *sweating*
Dad: shift
Me: *slowly moves hand*
Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US
-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?
Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia
Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.
Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *
It’s still love though.
Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.
How fast is milk?
It’s pasteurised your eyes before you know it….
Put my back out twerking in the library again
I was visiting my parents yesterday and found this. I’m their only child.
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”
[My first day as an architecture major]
*raises hand*
When are we going to learn how to build gingerbread houses?
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?
Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*
Judge: Case dismissed.
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.
If you lean back in a chair and put your feet up on the desk, everything you say will be beaming with confidence and bravado especially if it’s not your office.
My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.
Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!
Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.
spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe