there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment
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Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
[trying to ride a horse]
ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!
GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children
“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”
Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”
“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”
JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
*stings person*
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.
Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.
Their Arch enemy, you might say.
Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
FINE, I WON’T.
Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.
I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive
i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
😂🍻
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
I think being an anxiety/antisocial person would save me in most horror movie scenarios.
I don’t answer my phone or my door, I’m rarely out after 7 pm, and if I hear a weird noise, I ignore it as its none of my business.
But…I do like antiques, haunted trinkets would get me.
Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”
-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport