there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment
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first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
Welcome to your late 40s from now on you will no longer be in “good health” but in “good health for your age”
Nothing brings neighbors together like a few cops cars in front of another neighbor’s house that no one likes
Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face
COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect
Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.
My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
Villain: Hand over your gun.
*I hand him my gun*
Villain: And your sidepiece.
*I hand him my sock*
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years
Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years
Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol
Me: come on what if we say it at the same time
Interviewer: ok deal
Me: ok, 3..2..1
In sync: making furniture for hamsters
My first mistake was letting my kids watch all the Despicable Me movies repeatedly and my second mistake was putting on a yellow shirt with these overalls
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
Expect the unexporcupine.
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
Get in loser, we’re going overthinking
I don’t know why HR tell me I’m not allowed to use the fire extinguisher unless there’s a fire, then get cranky when I start one.
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
What do you call a woman that sets her credit card bills on fire?
Bernadette.
famous: well-known for Good reasons
infamous: well-known for Bad reasons
therefore
flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons
inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking