there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment
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Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.
Some of y’all tomorrow …
Me: I’ll have the chicken
Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared
Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever
How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me:
God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.
Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
My kid: mumma today we met our teacher’s teacher. Our grand-teacher.
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
pizza
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer
God: you’re a mosquito.
Mosquito: what does that mean?
God: you feed on blood.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire?
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: you can fly.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire!
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: garlic repels you.
Mosquito: [happy gasp] i’m an itty-bitty vampire!
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
There is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul, even if it’s cold, over ice, with a celery stalk and vodka.
Somebody call the cops.
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*
[3 years later]
COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…
