Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down

~me, doing cardio

What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT

McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns

Me: yep

McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family

Me: my what now?

I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks

Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.

I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”

*ninja group therapy

Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!

He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.

Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts

Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.

My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.

Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?

Me: Since the age of two.

Fun fact: if you play Hotel California backwards, and slowed down 30bpm, there’s a fantastic hidden quiche recipe

“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.

[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]

“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”

What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?

I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.

Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…

It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother

My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.

If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster

Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working

Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there

Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.

Some people exercise every day.

I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.

NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!

ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?

Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.

Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?

#Caturday

jfc Caroline my wife almost saw this

Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.

[before tattoos were invented]

ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day