There should be a good 15 hours in between waking up and having to interact with people.
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I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
If the shampoo and the conditioner finish at the same time, one of them faked it
(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.
Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”
Her:
Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”
Medic: “Step aside sir”
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
This was a bad idea all around
Boss: Why were you late today?
Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*
Me: Traffic.
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
While a big fan overall, I always found the Chipmunks’ instrumental songs sort of pointless.
the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken
Ever misread a tweet and think someone is being sarcastic so you laugh and retweet them only to realize later they weren’t being sarcastic and are really bat-shit crazy? Yeah, me neither.
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]
me: *vomits everywhere and passes out
training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway
Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.
My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
[first date]
HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-
ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU
I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair
Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
[home alone]
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?
The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have