There should be a good 15 hours in between waking up and having to interact with people.
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Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
I tried to renew my subscription to a magazine & somehow duplicated the subscription. After finally canceling one, I did so, & now at the same name & the same *address* I simultaneously receive both a copy of the magazine & “we’d love for you to resubscribe” letters every month.
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt
me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”*slams phone*
Why do I keep calling that parrot?!
Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
At camp today, there were animals for show and tell. When I picked-up, the counselors announced in front of my kids that they did so well holding them that we should get some and I just want to know what I did to make the counselors hate me
Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*
Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*
ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede
Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
me: I challenge you to a fish fight
them: you mean fist fight?
Me: [gently putting bass knuckles on my best goldfish Reginald] no
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?
Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.
If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.
Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
“my therapist actually told me im right and you’re wrong” oh really? your therapist who you pay $300 an hour, who only heard your side of the story, told you you’re right?
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.