There should be a good 15 hours in between waking up and having to interact with people.
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Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.
Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.
Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.
[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times
Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles
Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
If I could turn water into wine I’d have twelve disciples and a multitude of followers too
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.
9: (watching YouTuber play old school Mario)
Me: That’s the game I used to play when I was a kid.
9: You were alive back then?
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
Me: How did the interrogation go?
Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.
Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer