There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
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ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.
GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.
ME: It’s just SO big.
When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
[Army Shooting Range]
Officer: Are you locked & loaded?
Soldiers: YES SIR!
Officer: You may fire at will!
Soldier Named Will: WTF?
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed
Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.
*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
Things that are terrifying:
A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?
January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”
*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*