Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys

According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.

my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing

[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”

You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.

Me: *lifts couch cushion*

6yo: what are you looking for?

Me: six thousand dollars

Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?

Me: *hands cash*

God’s Wife: I just need some space!

God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)

I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty

*wipes off Chapstick

Weigh me now

I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭

one of my colleagues is just one of my absolute favourite people. a patient brought us in homemade strawberry and cream cupcakes as an apology for being rude earlier, and my colleague just finished hers, licked her lips, dropped the paper in the bin and announced to the world ‘A F****N’ ENJOYED THAT, SORCHA. SOMEONE ANNOY HER AGAIN’

I love her

I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead

👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!

Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”

I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.

Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books

Optimist: The cup is half full.

Pessimist: The cup is half empty.

Taxidermist: The cup was empty, but I stuffed it full again.

Bigamist: I think this is Rachel’s cup. Or Amy’s. Maybe Susan’s?

Alarmist: Someone drank out of my cup! Watch out for thirsty burglars, people!

one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops

Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?

What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?

In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.

DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this

My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.

Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.

Just watched a vid about the benefits of couples vacationing together and I’m wondering how I missed the train where couples vacationed separately.

I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag

Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.

I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!

me: I brought a note from my doctor

dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle

The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.