There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
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I am so glad everything is broken at work today so I could make this
Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂
I’m sure we could imagine what it’s like to be conjoined twins if we put our heads together.
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.
GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.
ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.
Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.
By the third month of my sentence, I’d whittled a lifelike gun from a bar of soap and covered it in shoe polish. That’s how bored I was.
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: Us.
Wife:
Me: You’re leaving us.
Wife:
Me: Also, why?
Wife: *Sigh*
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.
There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.
[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*
Sometimes, I have to remind myself that just because my 13yo is much taller than me doesn’t mean he’s in charge.
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
*Packing for a trip*
Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?
Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?
[at the opera]
Date: this is going on forever
Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing
[himalayan monastery]
me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!
dad: mhmm now it’s your turn to hide
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK