There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
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[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!
My gf 2nd month: listen
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a light grey
Me: …
My dog: if that helps
This may be my favorite dog video ever.
*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.
him, texting from the party: where did you go???
me, already home in bed: bathroom brb
I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.
Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you
I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.
Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat
Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.
ME: *staring into my lover’s eyes in the midst of a warm embrace*
HER: What are you thinking?
ME: *caressing her cheek* I forgot your name.
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”
I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised
No, I don’t think I will.
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?
pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.
My nickname is Phantom Menace, because I also came out in 1999 and am not that popular.
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
Me: Do that thing I like.
Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*