There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
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“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.
necessity is the mother of invention
[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women & they want us to make the first move. 😏
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
Pelican: OMG she is gorgeous
Water buffalo: Who?
P: That beautiful flamingo over there.
WB: Go talk to her.
P: She’s way out of my league, I don’t think I can.
WB: What do I always tell you Gary? You’re a Pelican…
WB/P: …not a Pelicant.
Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way
Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first
[product design]
CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures
me: OK should they be easy to open?
CEO: absolutely not
My 5yo got a watch for Christmas and now she’s announcing the time every single minute. Please respect our privacy during this difficult time.
I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.
Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands
Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?
Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
Just got a “Great news!” text from Walmart and while I’m glad my package is out for delivery it’s not toilet paper and this isn’t 2020.
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist
[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins]
date: can we talk about something else?
[pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.