There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.
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[first day as a ninja]
me: *sneaking in*
him: I’ve been expecting you
me: how
him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day
Leia: This is romantic
Han: I know
Chewie: Rwwar
Leia: Does he have to be here?
Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
When ever I read an autobiography, my biggest question is always, how the fuck did you remember all that?
You know I’m something of a chef myself
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater
bully: gimme ur sandwich
me [pulls knife]
bully: hey man I don’t want any-
me: -crusts. i know
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
me: i think i got rabies from a bat in our tree.
my wife: why were you near a bat?
me: i cannot make friends with a bat through email, carol. they do not have computers.
my wife: my name is cheryl.
me: {dies from rabies}
They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.
*crashes vehicle*
“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”
*dies smiling*
I will selflessly protect my family from a life of diabetes by eating the entire box of donuts.
I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.
Seaweed is great for when you want to eat pure salt but wish it had the texture of slime.
Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.
The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
Going down a rabbit hole if anyone wants anything
I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.
You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!
i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.
Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”
He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]