There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.
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can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.
It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.
Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us
I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
Me: You’re dumping me because I never listen and you’re gay!?
Boyfriend: …No. I said I’m dumping you because you never listen, have a nice day!
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB
In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”
*puts spider in the ocean*
“Now go free and flourish into an octopus.”
*cuts girl in half & puts in ocean*
“Mermaid probably.”
My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
No wonder it’s gone cold. Someone’s left the freezer door open.
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda
I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.
I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.
I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.
It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.