there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
You Might Also Like
Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
I’m not coming down from this tree until the mayor agrees to save this park from demolition or sends a really tall ladder up here, maybe places some mattresses around the base.
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.
*decides towels smell like mildew
*buys special laundry agent to remove odors
*washes load of towels
*forgets load in washer until morning
*repeat
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
Always the camel, never the toe.
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
I don’t always push on pull doors but when I do, I do it two or three times to confirm how dumb I really am.
Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear
Him: cuts ear off
Her: I just wanted u to listen to me
Him: nah, I’m good
My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
worst online experience has gotta be finding a reddit post that outlines your exact symptoms and every comment is like “you should go to the hospital” and someone says “any update OP?” but the OP hasnt posted in 5 years
INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]
“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
Nasa is launching a satellite to say sorry to the aliens.
They’re calling it the Apollo G.
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.