there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
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DON’T JUST TAKE PHOTOS! BUY! 😡
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
my favorite genre of twitter
This is the tale of Callie who started a service to provide fortune telling and hypnotism while driving people around. As time went on her clairvoyance weakened but her suggestive power grew.
She’s…..
Uber Callie fragile mystic expert at hypnosis
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them
friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston
me: how are you doing this
friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
[boss pulling me aside after the meeting]: I need you to quit calling me “m’lord”
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.
Because I’m on a health journey, I’m no longer looking for a sugar daddy, I’m now looking for a protein papa. Don’t make this weirder than I already have.
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*
(The next day)
Husband: Have you seen the manual for-
DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips
ME: why?
DAUGHTER:
ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it
motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.
“Oh, I like your coat!”
“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”