there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
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A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you
I went for a gallon of milk, left with a patio umbrella, two mismatched flip flops, a 10 person raft, and forgot the damn milk …..
That is the Aldi’s experience
Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?
I’m sorry I’m late, but my 2yo had to say goodbye to the muffins in the grocery store.
[soldier dying in my arms]
Soldier: tell my wife-
Me: dude I’m already giving messages for 3 guys. Just wait until she dies & tell yourself
gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application
I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.
The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.
Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night
I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*
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There’s nothing there.Oh.
[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
There’s never enough good news
As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster