There should be a Jaws sequel where the shark finally gets arrested for his crimes and goes to jail.
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what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING
The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
[calendar naming committee]
BOSS: how should we spell the second month
GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea
dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.
the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.
BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?
Got in the car and my 6yo greeted me with “well, well, well, look who’s here.”
This is the only greeting I’ll be accepting from now on.
ME: people only use 10% of their brains
FRIEND: that’s an urban legend
ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm
Wife: Hey can you-
Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.
Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?
Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.
Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.
I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire
A very sad, cold hearted person sent an anonymous letter to my wife stating I was having an affair with a woman friend. I wasn’t. What has happened in their life to make them do that? However, the fact my wife and daughter thought it was so preposterous was really annoying.