Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.

When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.

Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.

me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*

Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.

Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives

Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn

Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?

Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…

“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.

Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.

People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.

My son just walked into the room, said hello, asked how I was, then left.

He didn’t actually want anything.

I know! Incredible!

Oh and then I fainted.

a dog shows up to play basketball. but the rulebook never says dogs can’t play. i get it. thats a normal thing to not see coming. but then that same dog plays football, soccer, baseball. time to codify the good faith bipeds only policy, right?

no! they let his kids be ASTRONAUTS

My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed

Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.

Me: I am forever in your debt

Bank manager: That is accurate

keep reaching for the stars, kid:

I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.

FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are

For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.

[first day as a tampon designer]

Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.

Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?

– Beaver

olive garden manager: why are you quitting

waiter: i signed up to guard olives

Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.

T: You need a break
M: Yes.

T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?

T: Hell no.

All my passwords are protected by short term memory loss.

Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second

The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing

I wouldn’t mind weight fluctuations if it weren’t for the Pants of it all

I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.

Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.