There should be a Jaws sequel where the shark finally gets arrested for his crimes and goes to jail.
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if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
Orange: Knock knock
Apple: Who’s there?
O: Orange
A: Orange who?
O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?
A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!
Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie
*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*
A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit
I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day
Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..
Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake
WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’
I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?
Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?
GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don’t u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems
The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.
Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
ME: Tear this breadstick open, I think you’re gonna like what’s inside.
GIRLFRIEND: YOU DIDN’T! {breaks it open} It’s just filled with cheese.
ME: Happy 10th anniversary babe.
WAITER: would you like to try the chef’s special, tender snow crab?
ME [getting defensive]: maybe but there’s no reason for name calling
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* oh no
WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”
Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*