There should be a job like: divorce doula. I’ll help you find a lawyer, convince you that you’re enough, take you out for drinks, let you vent & cry during that hard 18 months, eventually convince you that a $70 sex toy can replace anyone. Start to finish divorce support.
He told me I was too pretty not to smile.
So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.
Now I’m smiling.
Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.
Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive
For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
What’sApp
Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*Mom: Fish, honey!
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.
I can’t unsee it now
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i
Other Titanic lookout: hmmm
Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY
I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
Ohhhhmygod my bra is showing? Should we tell everyone? Should we throw a dress code disciplinary meeting? Should we invite my middle school vice principal
Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..
One. Kernel. At. A. Time.
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?
People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.
me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.
Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?
Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.
Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…
