There should be a job like: divorce doula. I’ll help you find a lawyer, convince you that you’re enough, take you out for drinks, let you vent & cry during that hard 18 months, eventually convince you that a $70 sex toy can replace anyone. Start to finish divorce support.
oh ffs josh did you not read the email
Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.
Luke: Did you get the card I made you?
Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.
Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”
*embarrassed silence in the room*
“Wow. Tough crowd.”
Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER
Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
yikes
Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?
Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them
Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.
I hope Alan is OK
Me: You’re going to prison?
My French accountant: Oui
Me: WE are going to prison?
Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the
date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what
I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room
him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better
me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying
Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?
Me: Yes please.
Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?
Me: What?
Ceiling Lady: 🅈🄾🅄 🄷🄴🄰🅁🄳 🄷🄸🄼.
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
I need to sieze this.
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
