“There should be a less mean way of saying the F word because some people might forget they can’t say that in school”
– my 6yo, absolutely not talking about herself
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#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”
*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”
This squirrel eats better than I do
Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir
Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?
Wildebeest: 4,000
Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!
I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.
Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
[First day as a teacher]
Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.
[Later]
Student: May I use the restroom?
Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.
“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.
pandemic day 1: i hope we all survive this deadly pandemic
pandemic day 664: me and my friends have beef with Elmo now
me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life
[Justice League Disney Hotel]
Me: can I have some help with my bags?
Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.
*friends describing me on Dateline*
She was nothing special. Didn’t light up a room or anything. Just kinda blended into the wallpaper.
she has a point
Ok I’m going to read my question six more times to try to understand your answer
-reading my manager’s reply
There’s a good time and a bad time to share feedback with your wife about things that have been weighing on you, like your inner most desires, hopes or just tightening lids better.
There’s also a horrible time.
Wife: *on hands and knees cleaning up a half a gallon of ranch*
Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.