Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump

My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.

It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.

[1st person to try jogging]

Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?

Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.

Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!

Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.

Always answer the door wearing a coat.
If you’re pleased to see them, tell them you’ve just got home.
If you don’t want them in, say you were just on your way out.
😁

Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.

me: *waking up* who’s there

monster under bed: hi

me: *shaking* omg you’re real

monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you

me: oh

monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy

me: dad?

monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax

just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic

I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.

[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral

If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I

A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance

I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.

“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints

Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.

Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”

Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.

Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.

[math class]

How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?

“By crawling to the counter?”

GET OUT

I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.

literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared

I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF

Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi

he asked “what are we?” i said we the best

“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.

LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.

Still cracks me up

Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe

[special ops briefing]

Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out

I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”