“There should be a less mean way of saying the F word because some people might forget they can’t say that in school”
– my 6yo, absolutely not talking about herself
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FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it
To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter
My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.
my dentist & his assistant stare gleefully at me, waiting for me to sign the document that would give them the legal authority to install an extra row of teeth in my mouth just like sharks have
Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?
[first day as a cashier]
customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper
me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying
Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.
Boss: you need to take a drug test
Me: not if you want me to do this job
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord
DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?
DV: fire!
[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]
Me and kiddo listening to music in car:
In a crowd of strangers and lovers 🎶
Him: Mom what’s a lover?
Me: Just when people love each other, you can call them your lover*20 min later at the grocery store*
Him to a complete stranger: Did you know we’re lovers?
Stranger:😳
watching the vp debate, in any election year, is time you will never get back. time you could be using to learn a cool new skill. you could learn how to make pottery. you could make weird little bowls and shit
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*
Mistook a bottle of bleach for my cat and I’m starting to worry that during all those years I spent volunteering at an animal shelter I was actually just wandering around a Walmart.
me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy