There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
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Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
Before we were married, my wife was like a tiger in the bedroom.
Now she’s more like a possum.
She plays dead whenever a snake approaches.
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
One of the perks of using a wheelchair is that I can spin around when someone comes in the room and say “I’ve been expecting you.”
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…
“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.
I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!
Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.
Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ
also my brain: John F. Cennedy
ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken
Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
let’s hear it for plates that are bowls
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
i feel like we’re on like the 50th or 60th horseman of the apocalypse by now
The twelve days of Christmas be like:
Days 1-4: Birds
Day 5: FINALLY, A DECENT GIFT
Days 6-7: oh… more birds
Days 8-12: Slavery(?)