There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
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[birth of Jesus]
First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense
Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh
Third Wise Man: This is gold
First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit
Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason
ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.*cut to confessional camera*
ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.
me: hey babe, are you Leonardo DiCaprio because you are keeping it under 25
slow driver in front of me:
I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.
6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.
ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.
DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro
doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?
mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”
Ever get up, put the dogs out, unclog the overflowing toilet the wife left for you, get dressed for work, let the dogs in and then wake up in the easy chair and find you’re 20 minutes late?
Just me?
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator
It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.
“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
Wrote a song and it goes a little something like this… Who put maple syrup on the caaaaat?
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
Great game to play with friends
[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance
When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.