There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
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[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down hereguy: ya but it’s a dry heat
me: i totally get why you’re here
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.
Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?
Her: Penny for your thoughts?
Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?
Her:
Me:
Her: Can I have my money back please?!
Last night, I hid the Oreos under my son’s folded clothes in a basket and asked him to put it away… which he SWEARS he did.
Now he’s standing in front of the pantry freaking out that the Oreos are gone. Who wants to tell him?
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.
Sadly, I got sausages.
I can’t think of a wurst problem!
#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.
how it started vs how it ended
parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide
He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
“To keep their nuts dry.”
HAHAHAHA!
(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.
“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”
Simba.. who told you about science
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.
That’s a lie.
On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.
Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.
One hour later she was dead.
So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.
I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance