There should be a Mad Max movie that reveals the world outside Australia has actually remained pretty normal
![]()
You Might Also Like
its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
I carry two flashlights in case I ever have to help an airplane land.
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
![]()
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
[First Date]
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
got my gf a manicure for our anniversary
![]()
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
![]()
what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.
But the haters are really getting to me.
1/
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now
if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face