Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys

a Classic™️that i have been reminded of..

Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.

[speed dating]

HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.

ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom

It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.

I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing

You should be tunashamed of yourself!

pitch: he’s a man who’s a doctor

tv execs: go on

pitch: but he is better than other doctors

tv execs: *nodding enthusiastically*

pitch: because of his Condition

tv execs: *sobbing, screaming, foaming at the mouth* this must be the only kind of show on the air from now on

Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now

When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk

me: I think you’ll find my resumé impressive

interviewer: this is a note threatening to…eat the moon?

me: [grabbing it] ah that’s not-*cough*-that’s for something else

10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?

Me: I sure did.

10: Did you have electricity?

We learned by candlelight.

my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far

What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?

Same middle name.

I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.

Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron

if your best friend is whoever wishes you happy birthday first, mine is a dentist’s office i went to once 7 years ago

gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializing

father reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early

My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ

If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…

Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend

If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I

[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?

me at the job i begged god for

What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?

I respect the tenacity of the Jurassic theme park investors who won’t stop trying to crack the profit formula for making money on murder monsters who keep eating the customers.

How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?

*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*

well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me

Loan Officer: And the reason for the loan?

Me: I need printer ink.

saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert