There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.
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“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”
*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
My 6yo set a timer so that I could have a rest after eating. When the alarm went off it was time for me to go play with him.
He set the timer for 11 seconds. Plenty of time for a rest.
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
Me: excuse me, but I can’t taste the alcohol
Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here.
Me: YOU SHOULDN’T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!
Me: do you think I’ll get my harmonica back after the trial?
My Lawyer: I told you ten times not to bring it.
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
me: i hate my job
gf: why don’t you try living off the land
me: like in the sky?
gf: what
me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long
[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
What do you call a lazy crawfish? A slobster.
🤣 I’ve got a million of them.
🤕 Who threw that shoe?
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.
My husband saw a rabbit in our yard eating grass and said “That would be like sitting in a field of french fries.”
I accidentally made eye contact with someone on a zoom meeting. I quickly looked away dripping in discomfort. Then I remembered it was zoom and we didn’t make eye contact at all, she looked at her camera.
*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman
*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?
If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn
I went the wrong way down the grocery store aisle and you’d think I was looking at a 10 year prison sentence with the way Karen reacted.
All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.
Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer
911: omg
Me: omg
911: “an” murderer haha
Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it
My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed