Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i want that job where u push scared skydivers out of the plane

I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.

Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]

Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun

How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?

KID: I don’t need a coat
ME: baby, it’s cold outside
KID: I don’t think it’s cold
ME: it really is cold outside
KID: I will not be cold
ME: I promise it’s cold outside
[twenty more minutes of arguing]
ME: fine let’s just go
KID: daddy it’s cold outside

I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.

I’ve just seen someone in a twitter thread drama respond

‘I’m not reading all that you parcel’

and why are commonplace words used as insults just so fucking funny and so much more devastating than anything else you could spend ten minutes of your life trying to choose

Everyone: We’re concerned about you.

Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?

“Hi, I’m trying to find a book to read and I don’t know where to start.”
“Well, let’s narrow it down a little. Do you want fiction?”
“No, I don’t really like fiction.”
“Non-fiction, then.”
“No, not that either.”
“Okay…”
“Does that narrow it down?”
“Like you wouldn’t believe.”

Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner

The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.

Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar

I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.

Wife: WHERE IS THE PACK OF HERSHEY BARS I WAS GOING TO USE FOR S’MORES

Me [mouth full, face covered in chocolate]: we wer gunna haf smors?!

I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.

They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.

Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.

Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.

Follow, because I write books and you imagine I will impart great wisdom to aspiring writers. Unfollow, because I mostly tweet about squirrels and the dead mouse I found in the basement that one time.

Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐

My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.

men, we mow at sunrise.

You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?

Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before

me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy

Friend: Call me when you wake up

[3 days later]

Me: Okay I’m up!

this idiot cop is still behind me w/ his siren on, I keep moving out of the way & waving & yelling “GO AROUND,” man is he stupid

[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]

I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????

“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.

“Is that a banana in your pocket?”

-banana farm security, checking workers as they leave for theft

Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.

🤣✨#caturday

Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.