There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
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One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
ME: I wish dogs could talk but they all have Scottish accents lol
GENIE: Umm, alright then, second wish?
ME: I wish cats could talk but they all have Italian accents lmao
G: Most people wish for world peace or money
ME: I wish you weren’t so judgemental
G: Wow Max great work
Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.
I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
Is this you?
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.
I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂
shout outs to the guy at work tonight playing pool with his friend who asked me to play “Everlong” by foo fighters so he could “power up”, followed by his friend very sweetly and very earnestly asking me not to play it because he would “power up”
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
Muppet Screams
[first day as police sketch artist]
“Yes those are dog ears. I wanted to give the killer a touch of whimsy.”
Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section
What’s Godzilla’s favorite sitcom?
How I Met Your Mothra!
…No, YOU shut up.
its weird that when seltzer goes flat it doesn’t turn into regular water. you can still taste that something was Done To It
What’s the name of that drink? “The Will Smith”?
Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween
dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work
kid: i didn’t-
dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
[Interrogation room]
Me: *throws chair at wall* TALK
Chair: OK OK…the beast keeps the rose in his chambers