There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
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YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.
[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]
*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?Wife: Please go wait in the car
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
Got 7yo a cellular device so he could make emergency calls.
Yesterday’s emergency call: 4yo won’t eat her shrimp after I said she had to and he wanted to make sure I knew. 🍤
[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
This took me a few seconds.. 😅
Waffles are just pancakes with abs.
Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
The vet this morning gave the dogs a bit of peanut butter while they had their check-ups and shots. Was it wrong that I asked for some when I paid the bill?
All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.
I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon’s haunted
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted