My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
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“WE ALREADY HAVE IT!”
ME: What do we want?!
ME: When do we–oh
Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
Reasons Pluto is so cold:
3) It’s far from the sun
2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.
1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
HER: Where have you been?
ME: Watching a WWF fight.
HER: You mean WWE?
*flashback to panda fighting an emu*
ME: Eh, yeah.
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.
Do you guys ever put sheets over your dogs so they look like little dog ghosts? Me neither.