There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.

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My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.



ME: What do we want?!


ME: When do we–oh


Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.


DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.


Reasons Pluto is so cold:

3) It’s far from the sun

2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.

1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.


Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet


HER: Where have you been?

ME: Watching a WWF fight.

HER: You mean WWE?

*flashback to panda fighting an emu*

ME: Eh, yeah.


The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.


Do you guys ever put sheets over your dogs so they look like little dog ghosts? Me neither.