@KentWGraham

There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.

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@mommajessiec

My 8yo wants to make her tween sister’s birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.

Apparently the solution to all life’s problems is not more cake.

@KeetPotato

wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”

@OllyiConic

cop: you’re coming with me

me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you

cop: get in the car

me: will you take me to disneyland

cop: what do you think

me: maybe

@Pork_Chop_Hair

In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.

@robin_991

HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES

@LurkAtHomeMom

Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?

Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that

@LoriLuvsShoes

When I punish my 16 I don’t take away her phone I take away her charger and then I watch the fear in her eyes as her battery dies. It’s fun

@OtherDanOBrien

[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”