There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
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“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.
There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.
God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*
Adam: That’s a weird way to make people
God: Lol wait till you see how she does it
Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”
Cop: anything in your pockets I should be aware of?
Me: I don’t think so
Cop: *pulls out egg*
Me: what lol
Cop: *pulls out another egg*
Me: wait how are you doing that?
Cop: *pulls out third egg*
Me: ok mister
Cop: *pulls out egg carton*
Me: what a fun time we’re having
Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?
*During sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?
Spider-Man: Hey. Are you okay?
Thor: It’s just not my day.
Spider-Man: Well it is Thursday though.
Thor:
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
I’m glad water isn’t explosive, because with the amount of half-empty bottles rolling around in this car any accident would be an extinction-level event.
“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
*guy acts like he’s gonna punch me*
GUY: HA! You flinched
ME: yes because I thought you were going to punch me. If you actually punched me I would have been more protected. You see, evolutionarily speaking, the flinchers would have outlived those wh-
GUY: *actually punches me*
Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]