There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.

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When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.


My wife hates the way I introduce her to people in public.

“THIS is my wife..”

*looks down at the ground


*kicks can


Oh my god, killer snails are after us. Walk. Walk for your lives.


Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk


What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.


I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches


Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid-air I would probably eat it.


Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.

Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.