@KentWGraham

There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.

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@Elizasoul80

When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.

@shawnspree

My wife hates the way I introduce her to people in public.

“THIS is my wife..”

*looks down at the ground

*sighs

*kicks can

@Zwolf666

Oh my god, killer snails are after us. Walk. Walk for your lives.

@Fred_Delicious

Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk

@MRagaab

What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.

@catstronomical

I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches

@Jennarater

Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid-air I would probably eat it.

@TweetPotato314

Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.

Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.