There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
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I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.
I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.
I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.
I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.
The cat gives me the allergies…
♾
you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter
My 6-year-old broke his brother’s favorite toy. He asked me what to say to him. Sensing a teachable moment, I looked him in the eye, told him to go to his brother & say, “Mama has something to tell you.”
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan
How broken is your spirit?
Me: Imagine a McDonald’s ice cream machine
I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.
Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.
1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.
[Interview]
Why do you want this job?
Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.