There should be a place that rents baby goats out by the hour to come over and maintain your lawn
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The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
Me: What did you do at school today?
4yo: Nothing
M: You must have done something.
4: I don’t remember.
[Bedtime]
M: Goodnight.
4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*
You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!
Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food
So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day
My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
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current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?
Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.
Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillowHim:
Pillow
lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.
Breadcrumbs on mac and cheese be like here let’s sprinkle some carbs on top of these carbs
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
My daughter asked why I drink so much beer
I told her it’s because I actually have a condition that’s pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.