Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ticket Clerk: Enjoy the film!
Me: U too!
TC: Really? You’ll take me with u?
Me: I didn’t mean..
TC: Oh, I see
Me: I’m sor
TC: [sobs] JUST GO

Me: Go ahead.

Waiter: Huh?

Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.

Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.

[mission]

CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?

ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work

CMDR: What? Let me see

ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink

Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?

Me: No, what?

Son: Camo meal

*we tearfully embrace*

Wife: JFC

Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor

Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.

me: it would be nice if everyone else helped clean this house once in awhile!

everyone else: [cleans]

me: not like that

[trying to sleep]

Me: ok, just breathe and relax.

Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED

Me driving through Toronto

If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor

If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it

i lied there’s no sex. stand over there and tell me if this painting im hanging is straight

Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat

($800 for an iphone)

oh no problem here you go

(99 cents for an app)

HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW

Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”

Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.

I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!

Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss

maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins

An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.

Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.

Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date

So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.

[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?

At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.

I think it’s funny when people talk about the placement of a hair part being in or out of style, like thanks for the info but my hair does not involve me in any of its decision making processes.

“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically

Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.

Me as a detective:

[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]

[evidence catches on fire]

no no no no

I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”

5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?

Me: I don’t know.

5-year-old:

Me:

5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?