There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
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*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
(Writing in food journal)
me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.
Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?
God: just turn around
Almost every animal: ok
Owl: I absolutely will not
Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise
Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?
Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what
cave of wonders: only one may enter here
aladdin: abu has to wait outside?
cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count
abu: *steals*
cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT
6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?
Taxidermist: He will not
“Kids! We’re having sundaes for dinner!”
-me, being the change I want to see in the world
10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!
It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
The scariest pumpkins ever 😵🤣🎃
All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?
Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.
Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
The BMI chart says that for my height I should weigh 160 lbs.
My skeleton weighs 160 lbs.
“We ride at dawn”
Me headed to the grocery on Thanksgiving eve
In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers
Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.
Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.
I really hate when people derail normal tweets with their own upsetting lore. You’ll be like “it’s great when grandparents are active in kids’ lives” and someone is like “well ok but my grandmother literally went to jail for killing my parents and is currently on the loose??”
ME: So you’re into football?
DATE: I’m a big Eagles fan.
ME: Omg same. I just love how they rescued Frodo from that mountain.
HER: I need to see other people.
2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
Dog 911: what’s ur emer-
Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME
Dog 911: so?
Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE
Dog 911: OMG
Dog: OMG
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations