There should be a product swap booth on the way into Costco, you can bring the massive package of snacks that your kid used to like and exchange it for the huge box of snacks that some other kid has rejected
You Might Also Like
A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
Cop: Freeze!
Suspect: Try and catch me! *dives into Olive Garden’s bottomless pasta bowl*
Rookie: We gotta go after him!
Cop: No. He’s gone.
I love using food in the bedroom!
But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…
I mayo may not.
Bobby pin
I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!
(Sigh)
I just don’t know what to keep it in….
My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
they should invent a customer service center that isnt currently experiencing higher than normal call volume
Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’
Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn’t look at the cards before!
Me: Well I’m convinced.
Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.
Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
[car dealership]
WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator
SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k
ME: we’ll double that
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.