There should be a product swap booth on the way into Costco, you can bring the massive package of snacks that your kid used to like and exchange it for the huge box of snacks that some other kid has rejected
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Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”
*agrees with someone online* Yeah, I agree.
*disagrees with someone online* YOU’RE NOT JUST WRONG YOU’RE HITLER AND I HATE YOU FOREVER
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
How to use a credit card machine:
1. Insert card.
2. Don’t remove it yet.
3. Nope, still not yet.
4. Yeah, not yet either.
5. REMOVE CARD NOW! OH MY GOD DON’T MAKE ME KEEP BEEPING AT YOU LIKE A BOMB IS ABOUT TO GO OFF!
Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I’d see it in the wild.
“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
[80% of bar rescue eps]
TAFFER: this employee stole $150,000 dollars from you, burned your car, and killed your dog. he says he would happily do it again. what are you gonna do?
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER: you’re going to fire him
OWNER: I’m going to fire him
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit
Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
When your boss says it’s not a two person job.
Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
Alice:
White Rabbit:
Alice: *stares*
White Rabbit: oh shit
[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]
“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”
bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any
me: that’s how good they are
customer: the cage door is open
me: *looking around nervously* oh no
I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.
It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?