Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wife: 9 got a ninja costume. Pretend you can’t see him
9 [standing in front of the fridge] *giggles*
me *hits him in the face with the door*

me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS

wife: quit blasphlegming

[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her

*speed dating

So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.

*at a restaurant, eating burgers*

Me: “I don’t take condiments well.”

Friend: “Don’t you mean compliments?”

Me: *already covered head-to-toe in ketchup*

[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were here

pizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less

3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:

I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…

I hate everything

Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*

Satan:

Me:

Satan: Give it back…

Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?

General Anesthesia

american computer: would u like to enable cookies

british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv

I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”

[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum

*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly

I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.

Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…

It was the bathroom…but still…

Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant

“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane

Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.

Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?

Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.

[at quick clinic]

Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?

Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.

If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name

Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park

6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher

Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?

6: Chick-fil-A

Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..

Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.

I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.

Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.

My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.

I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.

Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍