There should be a reality show where project managers try to meet outrageous deadlines while developers keep introducing new features.
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[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.
Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.
a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward
if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision
Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job
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no regrets
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Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
i will avenge u mr van gogh
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I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*
Her: that’s it. I’m leaving
Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?
1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”
Airport cop: The dog is indicating that you might have something. Do you have any illicit substances on your person?
Me, waving over another cop: Excuse me Sir, this guy thinks his dog talks and he’s asking me for drugs
This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.