There should be a reality show where project managers try to meet outrageous deadlines while developers keep introducing new features.
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People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
superman: hey can i borrow your ladder? i need to replace one of the lightbulbs on my kitchen ceiling
batman: dude, you can fly…
superman: oh yeah, good point. i can just fly to home depot and buy a ladder
batman: what
If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress
If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate
The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.
Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.
welcome mats are just gateway rugs
that’s probably the last firework my neighbor has
Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?
Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die
People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
My family takes turns with who hosts Thanksgiving each year. When it was my cousin’s first time to host, she put the turkey in the oven, but forgot to turn the oven on. She was taken out of the hosting rotation. Brilliant.
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
me: *turns around in swivel chair*
*tents fingers*
I guess you never expected to see ME again…
Boss: Must we do this every Monday?
hacker: ready?
weapons guy: I was born ready
[25 years earlier]
doctor: it’s a boy!
midwife: where did he get nunchucks
Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french
I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.