Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/

the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?

Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.

Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.

There’s no “us” in nachos.

We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.

[First date]
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER

Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!

Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday.  When we spoke they’d

ME: So. You from around here?

HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.

perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower

Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.

If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”

This classic never gets old . . .

I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem

I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.

My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent

Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?

Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”

I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!

My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.

Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul

[tucking a hotdog behind my ear] I’m off for my run, babe. See you later.

I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones

If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.

me waiting on an email: what the hell is taking so long, this is ridiculous

me, sending an email: this can probably wait another three weeks or so

CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on

I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.

i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad

Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t

JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one

friend: I was named after my father

me: *aware of how time flows* correct