there should be a reverse halloween where ghosts and monsters dress up as people and knock on doors yelling “math or medicine!”
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Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.
Electrical engineer: Dead battery.
Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.
IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.
me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money
Can’t. Just put my hair in a bun and that’s just about enough exercise for today.
i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?
I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist
ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead
PICASSO: I got this
me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates
How people walk when they’re:
DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*
Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff
Trevor: That’s not always practic—
John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it
I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.
#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.
Writer: Got this great idea for a movie… “102 Dalmations.”
Walt Disney: That’s way too many dalmations.
Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today
It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:
1-
2-
3-
4-
5- sweat
NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.