There should be a rule that people have to say what they want from you BEFORE asking “are you busy?”
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If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]
HER: No way this thing does 150.
ME: Only one way to find out…
[pulls over & checks wikipedia]
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.
Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.
Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.
Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.
I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*
I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel
My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.
This sounds bad:
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
[screaming into the void]
MARCO
I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.
To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.
“Kids are picking on me, Mom”
I’ll teach you how to fight, son.
“Yes!”
[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]
Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.
Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!
2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …