There should be a rule that people have to say what they want from you BEFORE asking “are you busy?”
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Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.
Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?
given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)
My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.
[At bar]
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
RIDDLER: What has–
BATMAN: A gazebo
ROBIN: Matches
RIDDLER: Let me finish-
BM: A paperweight
R: Dental floss
RIDDLER: I hate you guys
I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
I talk to myself mostly because I am an excellent listener
You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it swim
Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT
Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from womenPost-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”
Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?
My 6year old: You only asked once
I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”
PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back
Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
My neighbor is handing out hot dogs, Kit Kats & Pez. When a group of kids arrives I’ll yell “They’re eating the dogs! They’re eating the Kats! They’re eating the Pez of the people who live there!”
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]