There should be a rule that people have to say what they want from you BEFORE asking “are you busy?”
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Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?
Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?
No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.
When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?
…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda
WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?
In my 20’s: might hit the club tonight.
In my 40’s: might go to the grocery store to listen to some bangers.
My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
Lmao the reply
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
I’ve noticed many of my friends are in The Grapefruit Window, which means they’re old enough to enjoy eating grapefruit but not yet on medication that prevents them from eating grapefruit.
[dinner party]
*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.
Things that don’t exist:
1. Unicorn
2. Ghosts
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
Waiter: would you like a water?
Me: ew, gross.
Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?
Me: tempting.
Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?
Me: [nods] indeed.
Going to pronounce fecal like decal
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t my GF coming back after 3 days away, only to walk past me to say hello to the dogs first.
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
When you accidentally say french kiss instead of chef’s kiss to the server and now you can never show your face in that restaurant again.
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*