Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I told my therapist I was upset she raised her rates again and she said that while I can’t control the situation, I can do something to control my reaction.

WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work

ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does

Attention Walmart Shoppers –

There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12

okay run it by me one more time

When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.

In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.

Lesson learned. No donuts next time.

Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.

[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?

I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.

googling “effect vs affect” in an incognito window

I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.

HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.

When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.

I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.

Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home

I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.

My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.

Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.

I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.

ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:

Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.

Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.

WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?

ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ

just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye

When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.

If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van

Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.

Meanwhile in Canada…

how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day

Cop lights are so pretty at night

ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.