Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Jus’ sayin. 😐

my gf left me bc i’m paranoid

nvm she’s back, she went pee

Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry

Hubs:

Me to my kid: Don’t play with the fruits, don’t use swear words
Also me: drops the apples held in my hands, exclaims “oh hell”

“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”

I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues

They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now

I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.

My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg

My dinner: Haribo

“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.

My 9yo decided to give me a lil pop quiz on our way to school this morning. She really pumped me up and cheered every time I got it right. Anyway, I accidentally did her math homework

[watching nature documentary]

*hawk kills mouse*

That’s so amazing.

*hawk kills lizard*

I could watch this all day.

*hawk kills bunny*

MURDERER! *turns off TV*

If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.

A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”

Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.

Ladies,

When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.

Daughter: are ghosts real?

Me: no.

Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.

Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.

I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.

Do my kids help me cook? No.

But do they like what I cook? Also no.

Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*

Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.

Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”

Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.

There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”

Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?

Me: He has moved on to a better place.

Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!

Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.

[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT

Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.

When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.

*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*

My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED

“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you

Guess who just typed “the end” on his first manuscript! Yep, “the end” is the title of my debut novel. Only 49,998 words to go and I’ll be finished!