Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.

ugh fine

…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman

Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck

My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.

I cannot definitively say, even after all I’ve seen, that I would not visit Jurassic Park

Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and

My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.

My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!

My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!

[learning to drive stick]

Dad: hands at 10 and 2

Me: ok

Dad: now go ahead and shift

Me: *sweating*

Dad: shift

Me: *slowly moves hand*

Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US

Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.

My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.

[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*

TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.

ㅤ

Kids are like mosquitoes…

…when they stop making a noise, start worrying

Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but

Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?

My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.

The year is 1997. Your Tamagotchi is thriving. You just set a new personal best with your Bop It. Your mom packed Dunkaroos in your lunch. Everyone at school wants to be your friend. Life is good.

The year is 2020. You just found out Dunkaroos are coming back. Life is good.

PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.

it’s time for some pepper spray

-me, in a crowded elevator

Stop attacking Google for occasional inaccuracies. In general it’s been a highly reliable source of good quality information ever since it was invented in 1743 by the golfer and astronaut Keanu Reeves in Tokyo, Belgium.

Tuesday

*deleted Titanic scene*

Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats

Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!

[tightening roller skates]

“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”

Therapist: We must remove our masks and express our true selves
Yoga instructor: True
Nutritionist: So wise
Raccoon: This is bullshit, Alan

i don’t care if it’s AI or an immigrant i desperately need someone to take my job, it is killing me

there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.

I am now afraid to click on any celebrity name trending it just keeps getting worse and worse

it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed